June 29, 2010 at 4:53 am
I lost my 16 year old first born daughter to suicide. 15 years ago.
Loss has come up sharply as a fundamental thread of what I call ‘my life’.
I grieved my daughter – but I was also grieving ‘my life’.
The heart opens in ways that the mind cannot long abide – and yet the story of the mind is not the purity of the loving.
I associate the loving with Soul.
The Soul of me opened through FEELING the love – but the mind subverted that purity by asserting its story – and grabbing my attention in ways I couldn’t altogether be free of.
I didn’t fight anything during the grief – I don’t find fighting to be a way of peace.
Our minds are so entrenched – so in the grip of a willfulness to make sense of everything so that I GET what I need.
But despite the fearfulness of that sort of survival intent, love arose within my life and undid me of my grip.
I might seem whacky – but I feel to discern the gift no matter what the appearance. At least, there is a love of truth in me that prompts and uncovers this willingness in me despite experience of unspeakable hurt.
For a long while the world was simply the footprint of where she had walked. The absence of her light and being. And I had to do whatever I felt I had to do – or leave undone.
I had to let love touch me deeper than I had ever allowed anyone or anything to touch me. Words aren’t going to say much now – I’m not going to be able to say.
We put our love outside ourself and do not recognize where it really is. But you are the love – and the giving is the way you remember. Screaming and stuff can be an act of self love – for if something doesn’t release that limits us unbearably – we need to find any way to find the flow – the being – the life.
It is here – always. I forget this a lot – but I remember it more.
My mind seems to be designed to protect me from sharing love – but I don’t regard that as the truth or nature of Mind itself – but as a sort of complex story of me that once seemed so real and now really doesn’t speak for the love and life I feel graced to share – (yet still have the temptation to usurp or lose by following my own thinking-mind instead of listening in the heart).
I am glad to feel your presence- though a shared sense of loss has touched us both.